Tired.

really.

i can feel myself GONE.

I think i need to breathe

a little more air

a little more space

a little more time

a little more patience

a little more understanding

a little more care

a little more concern

a little more of anything that can make me happier

just a little

is all i need

now.

this 20+ years in my life

hi and bye frens,

i have alot
alot, indeed...
ppl see me as i have lots of friends.
every now and then i see familiar faces
saying a hi, giving a smile and a bye.


BUT

having someone who can talk to,
sharing my probs,
sharing my happiness,
sharing my unhappiness,
sharing my worries,
giving me some comfort when i needed most
lending me a listening ear
Giving me a hug when i cry
taking away my fears,
staying by my side a little longer when i'm down
understanding me that i'm not perfect
knowing that i'm just me
feeling how i feels

i know everyone will be saying:
i'm busy(a word that i hate!)
i have lots of things to handle myself too
i have my own probs too
but i think is all excuses

But give a thought,
if the person is impt to u
will u say u are too busy and dun care?
it is just where the person stands in ur heart
if u really care
no matter what
just a simple sms will be more than enough
just spending a few secs is enough

maybe i'm a person
who do not know how to express myself well?
out of frequency with the others?
hard to get along?
hard to understand?
hard to compromise?

or

maybe i'm asking too much
maybe i'm too demanding
maybe i'm too emotional
maybe i'm real no good

nothing good in anyways
a living thing that takes up space on earth
what a waste
so in the end
i have no one

F.R.I.E.N.D
a word
that
i still have many doubts.
Will u be there?
if i needed someone,
anyone who cares
being a friend?
i guess i still have not found.
i think i can never find.
someone close to heart.
i'm just some weirdo person.

the me u are seeing,
what if i say i've been faking,
sometimes i dun even know who am i
losing touch of my soul
always appearing to be like not caring
and always appearing to be strong
even when i feel hurts
i also have my ups and downs
but
i pretended
do u know how i'm feeling inside?

i'm tired.
i'm a loner.
where shld i go
and who shld i turn too?
i think i'm shutting all doors.
cos i dun believe anymore
i think i need a good cry
and everything will be fine?

for those who had real good frens, close frens, bestie girlfrens, best best fren or true fren
i really envy from deepest of my heart
may all ur friendships blossoms till the end of life
and treasure them,
b4 u know it
they are gone
friendships, like relationships,
need to be 2 sided,
giving and taking for both parties
and there will surely be
1 giving more, taking less
and 1 taking more, giving less
or maybe not giving but taking
but i surely understand
1 sided will never work

feeling down thus such an emotional post.
i will feel better.

erm think i'm bad
keep saying 'ur best fren' and all stuffs
i will stop.
really...
if i were the 'best fren',
i will feel sad when i get to find out
so no more stuffs like this, CAT!!!
stop hurting ppl indirectly.

but best fren's good
i'm truthful
cos best fren
u'll at least remember
at least u'll think of her
and care.

i felt the distance between u and me
more and more
whenever i see u again
i think it's time

Met with 1 of my sec sch fren tonite.
Went to eat dinner somewhere near my work place
We ordered lots of food and we had to clear all
if not we will get extra charges
Played scissors, paper, stone
Who looses, finish up the plate of food
We are always so kuku
abit childish like we were still back in sec sch
i remembered we played scissors, paper, stone also
but who looses got to get beaten on the hand
then played till hand were red, hot and pain
those were the times...

After dinner,
din wanna go home yet
thought of drinking vodka
so went to look for places where they sell
search high and low,
most shops already closed
then finally found it
We bought vodka and then a bag of ice
the auntie asked for IC cos thought we not 18 yet
then sat near the roadside
tried hard to open the lid of the vodka using Keys!
cos we 4got to ask the auntie to open for us
but anyway
we managed to open it..
although a very small cut on the finger
we were high even b4 we started drinking
spent the nite under the city lights
little night breeze blowing on our faces while we were chatting

then head back home.
i think i need to have a little more of this kind of nites
to really let go of myself
but i wont go pubbing

well, goodnite, now is already 12 plus in the morning.
i'm tired
really
and got to work and dance tmrw
hope i can wake and get through the long day...

3rd day of Work and i kena fire drill.
fire drill reminds me of my sec sch days!
Happening rite?
42 storey of ppl coming down by the stairs...
lucky i not at very high level
imagine if real fire,
b4 i can climb down to the 1st,
i think i already fainted or already burnt
think dat time is jump off building and say good bye le

not too bad
had a stroll to the evacuation area
some distance away from office
the whole grp of ppl crossing the road like nobody's business
all wearing working wear
lots of trees at the place where we were
lots of small flying creatures u can find in the parks
grasses with soft mud at some areas
then shoes sinking in, esp those ladies with heels.
then the whole building ppl there chatting and ignore the person giving instructions
cos is just a drill, not the real thing
BUT
what if a real fire occurs?
u never know
will u still react the same?
Life's so unpredictable
maybe i will slp to my death
and never wake up again?

what a day...
it another tired day
i think i still haven get used to the working days

how i hope to receive a sms frm u rite now at this moment...

Work Work Work...
My Work place really forbids every single site that allows chats..
MSN, Google Talk, IM, Ebuddy, Skype, Web messenger, all that i know of
i tried all the sites but all Forbidden!
Haiz... I cant chat la from 8.30-6
then go home thInk too tired and lazy to online anymore

And now that i'm new and still have lots of things to learn,
also i still have no access to the database of the system
cos i need to do security test first
which they have not send
before they can send me the password to access
so i'm thrown to read 3 stacks of operational manual
then read whatever links found in the co. intranet
stone abit here and there
cos now still honeymoon period
and then nightmare will come
chasing after me

but

i'm starting to fear that i cant cope with the work
even though its just the 2nd day
the people there are just doing work non stop
and they are so experienced!
i cant even differentiate the different cases which u all can sort with just 1 look.
so many things to learn!
and i think i need time
all things have to start from new
learn is all i can say
there is nothing that u say u dunno how to do and u can dun do it
what more to say when u are at work
so i needa learn

The people there are quite nice
but all are busy
need to get to know ppl better
but slowly la
and there's this pretty lady who wears the same perfume as u
the similar scent
when she passed by me after photocopying things

thanks for msging me goodnight last nite and a good start today
u wont know that little simple sms frm u can make me a little more happy after a long tired day...